Motherhood, Moms, Mother-in-Laws, Mothering

[Trish Telesco]

I've seen a lot of posts lately about moms, mother-in-laws, being a mom, etc. It's a big topic, but something is in the air. Figure this is a good place we can talk about being a mother, our feelings towards our moms, good / bad experiences with the MIL, and people who "mother" you LOL.

Here's mine for today:

This is a rather mundane rant, but it bothers me spiritually too. I've been a grandmother for 2.5 years now. I love it, but struggle when the DOL gets lazy. For example, the other day I noticed the GD tilting her head and moving toward the bathroom door. I asked P if she wanted to go potty. She shook her head yes and reached for the door. Mom says, "we're pausing potty training" with disdain. I looked at her and said in an upbeat way, "she wants to try, what's the harm?" She knew what to do, didn't mind the adult seat, flushed, and washed her hands...no big deal. I am now the "bad guy" because I recognize signals from the GD that mom ignores. Ok, I have a little psychic twinkle on my side but this is just one of dozens of teachable moments all of which play out the same.

I realize I have to respect boundaries, but my spirit aches for this child. Most of her education thus far has been TV, and for a long while non-verbal cartoons. Then they wonder why she's not speaking much yet. I am fortunate in that I can see what she's saying in her eyes, or she'll just grab my hand and take me where she wants me to be. I don't see this behavior with her mom, and I know it makes my son sad. That child is the only real joy he has in his life.

I think about magic, and feel it may be intrusive. Wondering about making her some type of communication charm to boost the signal to other people ... what do you guys think?

 

[Lily]

I've seen a lot of posts lately about moms, mother-in-laws, being a mom, etc. It's a big topic, but something is in the air. Figure this is a good place we can talk about being a mother, our feelings towards our moms, good / bad experiences with the MIL, and people who "mother" you LOL.

Here's mine for today:

This is a rather mundane rant, but it bothers me spiritually too. I've been a grandmother for 2.5 years now. I love it, but struggle when the DOL gets lazy. For example, the other day I noticed the GD tilting her head and moving toward the bathroom door. I asked P if she wanted to go potty. She shook her head yes and reached for the door. Mom says, "we're pausing potty training" with disdain. I looked at her and said in an upbeat way, "she wants to try, what's the harm?" She knew what to do, didn't mind the adult seat, flushed, and washed her hands...no big deal. I am now the "bad guy" because I recognize signals from the GD that mom ignores. Ok, I have a little psychic twinkle on my side but this is just one of dozens of teachable moments all of which play out the same.

I realize I have to respect boundaries, but my spirit aches for this child. Most of her education thus far has been TV, and for a long while non-verbal cartoons. Then they wonder why she's not speaking much yet. I am fortunate in that I can see what she's saying in her eyes, or she'll just grab my hand and take me where she wants me to be. I don't see this behavior with her mom, and I know it makes my son sad. That child is the only real joy he has in his life.

I think about magic, and feel it may be intrusive. Wondering about making her some type of communication charm to boost the signal to other people ... what do you guys think?

I am just wondering, because I don't know you personally, if you had a wider conversation about why she is pausing potty training? And is she actively ignoring signals, or is she just honestly not seeing them for what they are?

And it's not mundane...I had an issue with my own mother last week. I had to kick her out after being here for less than 2 hours because she was organizing my place without me asking her to do it. Seems mundane and crazy on my part, but, I hadn't seen her since May, was reluctant to let her back in my life, and I have been in the middle of Marie Kondo-ing my apartment. So she didn't know what I was keeping or getting rid of etc...I don't go visit at her house and start moving things around saying "this looks better." She threatened me about cleaning so i told her to leave at that point. She was being pushy and controlling, again. So, not the same thing but that's what I mean that it seems like a mundane issue (potty training) but, deeper than that, it's about why the potty training is being paused and if there's a compromise that can be made about it.

I personally wouldn't do something specifically to someone without them knowing, but that's me. I don't put charms or spells on my mom for anything; I just meditate on what I personally can do in the situation.

 

[Lily]

The word "approach" popped into my head just now...I don't know if that helps at all. Like, I don't know what you mean by communication charm, but, perhaps meditating on what the right way to approach the situation would be.

 

[Coffeemountainpolarbear]

Crazy idea. Maybe talk to your DIL. I stopped and started potty training my kid many times cause every time we moved she would regress and get frustrated. So I stopped and needed a break. She will be potty trained eventually. But bringing it up could cause more bad juju with your DIL. And my kid ALWAYS ALWAYS acts differently for the grands or others. They will act like angels and eat food that they never would with me. My MIl over stepped her boundaries and I told her that it was hurting my feelings being a first time mom (like I wasn’t doing it right) , but I understood she was just trying to be a good grandma. Her response was to yell at her son and try to cut us out of the family completely! I said adjusting all the straps and zippers for the baby’s clothes and the car seat buckle after I just did it all made me feel like I was a bad mother. My point is talk to her. I’m fairly certain there is more to the situation. My mil is still around but we rarely see or talk to them. I feel only slightly sad but I know they are choosing not to be in our lives. I hope you all have a good night!

 

[Trish Telesco]

CMB, I did. She said one day penny didn't want to try, so she stopped training (yes, ONE day). I held my tongue. The problem for me is she keeps ASKING for input, but ignores everything when I give it to her. For example, she has a very shrill voice and a habit of using it a LOT. She asked me to tell her when she did so. I did, and found out she doesn't want to come over for a while because of "negativity." So, I will no longer offer advice, nor give her reminders. It's not worth it. I will simply take myself out of the space, and hopefully, bring Penny with me to another room to do something.

I would never ask my son to cut her out of the family. I've been more a mom to her than her own mother (I was the one with her for over 24 hours at home in labor. Mom was busy with her boyfriend). I just wish she'd be more appreciative of him, and more active with her daughter.

I know the child is an old soul. She'll survive. I'm just not sure I will (lol)

Thanks for letting me vent and ponder.

 

[Littles]

Thank you for creating a space for us to be able to share and vent here. I appreciate it much. Though I don't have advice to offer to you about your current situation with your Sweet Grand Baby and your DIL. I will say if you keep doing what you are doing by loving that baby (and being patient with your DIL along the way) your grand baby will have you at least, and speaking as someone who grew up with my grandmother being more of a mother figure than my own mother, I'll tell you that that relationship will be a special one. ❤

 

[Lily]

CMB, I did. She said one day penny didn't want to try, so she stopped training (yes, ONE day). I held my tongue. The problem for me is she keeps ASKING for input, but ignores everything when I give it to her. For example, she has a very shrill voice and a habit of using it a LOT. She asked me to tell her when she did so. I did, and found out she doesn't want to come over for a while because of "negativity." So, I will no longer offer advice, nor give her reminders. It's not worth it. I will simply take myself out of the space, and hopefully, bring Penny with me to another room to do something.

I would never ask my son to cut her out of the family. I've been more a mom to her than her own mother (I was the one with her for over 24 hours at home in labor. Mom was busy with her boyfriend). I just wish she'd be more appreciative of him, and more active with her daughter.

I know the child is an old soul. She'll survive. I'm just not sure I will (lol)

Thanks for letting me vent and ponder.

This behaviors you describe reminds me of my ex. Narcissitic and always on eggshells and never doing the right thing, even if it is what he asked for. I agree with what Littles says. You do you, regardless, and be there for your Granddaughter the way she needs and at least she will know she has someone positive in her life that picks up on things and responds accordingly. I had to do that with my ex, which is difficult, but I always tell myself no matter what my ex does, my son, Felix, always has a soft and safe space to land with me. It's scary sometimes when they are out of your sight and you don't know what's going on, but knowing that they always have somewhere safe to be themselves and grow.

 

[TheLastChanceCrone]

This is a rather mundane rant, but it bothers me spiritually too. I've been a grandmother for 2.5 years now. I love it, but struggle when the DOL gets lazy. For example, the other day I noticed the GD tilting her head and moving toward the bathroom door. I asked P if she wanted to go potty. She shook her head yes and reached for the door. Mom says, "we're pausing potty training" with disdain.

I stepped back for a while to respond to this, because I don't want someone to think like their feelings are not being recognized as valid and respect the need to rant.

I have decided after deep thinking to respond, journal out since this was slightly old trauma I've experienced. -- I am a Mother (61 years), Mother-in-Law (10 years), Ex Mother-in-Law (4 years), and Grandmother for 18 years. I have my own Mother-in-Law and ex Mother-in-Law who are both still living.

I can relate to this from all sides. But each side has different perceptions, perspectives and behaviors.

First - what are your feelings? Not what you're feeling about your GD or DiL; but examine first what you feel about yourself, the experience, the interactions. Get in touch with the YOU part of the equation first. And focus on that. We can't change anyone else, we can only change ourselves and how we respond.

As a coach when I see words such as lazy, disdain to describe someone - these are judgments/perceptions and will cloud behavior towards the person. Reminder how we see someone is through our own lens. It would help to review those perceptions and find the why behind them that is about ourselves and work out any old trauma there.

Now onto my thoughts;

Just be there with love for all of them, witness, experience, have fun.

But at the end of the day - This is their child, they are the ones that have to deal with all sides of the situation.

As mother used to say to me 'the one thing she loves about being Nana - is that at the end of the visit the child goes back to Mom & Dad.

 

[Trish Telesco]

Right now, if I'm honest, I'm angry. I have spent years keeping silent out of respect for my son's choices. Then, when offering help or doing what I was asked to do, I become the anti-hero. DIL has been caught in many lies told to me, my sister... actually anyone who will listen. We find out because when asked for clarity, my son says "what?"

I have to pray and meditate and come to peace somehow for my granddaughter's sake. I know everyone says this, but she's a special kind of soul. Ordered yet creative. Serious and focused, then all-out silly. My very favorite moments are when she wants to cook with me. I have a HUGE stockpot and got a long wooden spoon so I could hold her and she stir without potential harm. she loves the little nook where we cook and if she sees me at the stove... well, I need better muscles.

I have two other children, so now is the time for my trial by fire. I am sure there is a reason. I just needed help with framing. TYVM!

 

[Lily]

This thread just made me think of this quote for some reason

 

[Lily]

When I was pregnant with my son, I read this OBSESSIVELY. I had very different ideas on how I wanted to raise him than my own mother and then MIL, and if I did things differently than they would have, they raked me over the coals, so to speak. I was terrified of turning into my own mother and not giving Felix the space to learn and grow at his own place and not to feel judged about everything or criticized, or the positive approval that children often crave from their parents. I was brainwashed but that's a whole other issue that I might start a thread about one day...

I found that even though I didn't have a positive relationship with my mom, she showed me how NOT to be, based on her own actions, words, or ways she dealt with things. My ex MIL showed me exactly what not to do to and with my own Son. All I can do is be there for him and meet him where he is and the rest can fall away. Felix is very smart, observant and totally in a space where he picks up more energetically and intuitively than any other way. He is just about to turn 4yrs old and still in a state where he picks up on a lot and reflects that back to people. For example, my ex sometimes comments on just how much Felix loves and is cuddly and loving with my mom but that Felix is distant and not always happy to go see his other Grandma and it makes my ex sad sometimes.

This isn't a response to anyone...it's just what's been on my mind a lot lately.

 

[DARKSHINEZ]

I may have missed "key points" in this thread, and if so, then please excuse any mishaps regarding my post response.

Love, Compassion, Support, and soooo much more to all regarding the "Mother" - those we have or don't, those within us, those that are not of our immediate lineage, those that come in some unexpected form, and so on ... and to the Mother and Mothering within each of us, feminine and masculine ...

Any genuinely, unconditionally loving + impact on a child, and that child being whoever he/she "is", is a magical, magnificent + treasure that any of us may give, even if a moment ...